I Was Hungry

Hey all you pig pokers out there, I'm back once again with a new tail to tell.

Just the other night I was watching TV with Ray & Stacey when a commercial came on for one of those national chain Italian restaurants. Man oh man that was one good commercial cause my taste buds were salivating as I was memorialized by the gorgeous looking dishes. The commercial was making me very hungry. I asked if we could go there for dinner when Stacey said she thought it was a good idea(she always jumps at the idea of eating out). Ray said it sounded good to him but there would be one little problem – no pigs allowed in restaurants unless they are being serve for dinner. My heart sank at the thought of missing out on a tasty meal. Ray suggested that they could go to dinner and just bring me home some takeout. Well the way that I feel about it is like this; it was a good idea, but it would not be the same as eating there.

I don't think it is fair and it is my civil right being violated not allowing me in the restaurant. I may be a pig, but that is certainly no viable reason to keep me out. I take a bath once a week whether I need one or not. I will no longer stand for this kind of discrimination any longer. Ray just looked at me and said he was sorry but rules are rules and there was nothing else we could do about it. I began to use my so-called pea sized brain for something useful and though up a plan that could get me in the restaurant. I told the two of them to plan for a table of 4 tomorrow evening. Ray inquired as to what I was planning. I just told him “you'll see, dinner at the restaurant tomorrow evening.

The next evening, after Ray got off of work, we all met up at the location nearest our house. As Ray was getting out of his truck I met up with him and handed him a sack. “What's this bud” he asked me.

“Put it on, and we will get in just fine” I told him.

Ray complied with my wishes and we got ready to go in. We walked up to the front door and entered as the doorman held the door open for us. We walked right past him with no trouble at all. We did stumble into a roadblock when the hostess stopped us and told us “Sir, animals are not allowed in here, I'm very sorry.” That didn't faze old Ray one bit, he just told that pretty, young lady that “According to the American Disability Act, service animals are allowed since I am blind.” My idea had worked, she backed down real quick when before her was a man wearing dark sunglasses, has a walking cane in one hand and me on a animal body leash in the other. “He is my blind seeing pig, I use him to see my way around” he told her.

“Yes sir, right this way, just follow me” she said with a smile. She fell for it, hook, line and sinker, her blond hair was really showing tonight. Stacey and Ericka were just horrified at the stunt Ray & I just pulled. But hey, it worked. We were seated and told our server would be with us shortly.

Our server, Wendy, came over to take our drink order, she took one look at me then at Ray, saw he was wearing dark glasses and asked if I was a serve animal. Ray told her “yes, he is. He is my blind seeing pig.” Wendy giggled at the sight of someone using a pig for a service animal like that. “I've never seen or heard of that before sir, but I do think the animal has to remain on the floor and not in the seat.” “Oh shit, now what do we do?” I thought, I didn't think about that. Ericka busted out laughing and almost gave us up. Ray quickly shooed me down on the floor. This was not looking good. Ray ordered two beers as Stacey & Ericka ordered iced tea, Wendy had to ask if Ray was really thirsty, I think she was concerned that he was over ordering on alcohol. “Just bring me two beers please dear, and don't worry, I'm not driving” he told her.

After she came back with the drinks, she took out order for the food. She gave Ray a funny look when he ordered one lasagna dinner (for him) and one spaghetti with meatballs dinner (for me). Ray told her he was really hungry tonight. After she left I jumped back up on my seat to have a drink of beer. Ray got us both Bud on tap, I took mine and shotgunned it down in one gulp. Man did that beer taste good going down. And of course what happens everytime you drink a big gulp of beer? That's right sports fans, I proceeded to begin to let out one big, loud belch. When Stacey saw what I was about to do she pointed her finger at me and told me I better not dare do that in this restaurant. I held the belch back because I knew she meant business and let it out slowly under my breath (you know what? sometimes moms can take all the fun out of eating out).

I had to duck back down under the table as Wendy came over by to check on our drinks. I called out from under the table that we needed two more beers. Wendy gave Ray a strange look asked if he had said something. “Oh, I'm just learning how to be a ventriloquist,” he told her “How did I do?”

“ That was pretty good, I never saw your mouth move” Wendy answered him.

“You should see what else I can do with my mouth baby” I said from under the table. Stacey gave me a good kick under the table as Ray just ordered two more beers for us. Wendy looked at Ray and Stacey had to tell her it was OK and that he wasn't driving us home. Just for fun I pinched Ericka on the leg and made her jump in front of the waitress. That poor girl must have though we were all nuts. After Wendy left, Stacey looked under the table and smacked me a good one in the back of my head and told me to behave. Right after our beers arrived so did our dinners. Ahhh, new problem, how am I supposed to eat this plate of spaghetti and meatballs from the table? I certainly can't eat it off the floor.

I tried to sit up at the table but I was too short to reach the plate so Ray had me hide under the table and he set the plate of food on the seat. I had to do this quick so that I wouldn't get caught. As I ate off my food off of the plate, I was making a mess out of the seat. I had red sauce going everywhere, lost one meatball on the floor and had a piece of spaghetti hanging off of my snout. Dinner was delicious except for one thing, too much garlic was used in the sauce. While most people may not have a problem with garlic, for me, garlic can be deadly. No I don't mean it can kill me, what I mean is garlic does not settle well in my gut. You could say that garlic has an effect on me the same as a heat gun peeling paint off the wall. As everyone was finishing up their meals I was beginning to sweat from the effect of the garlic in my gut. Wendy came by to check on us once again and inquired if we would like to have some dessert this evening. There was no way I was going to be able to stay under this table much longer so I had said “no thank you, just the check please.”

“I see your still doing that ventriloquist thing again sir, your really good” Wendy said to Ray. He just smiled and said “Thank you dear, I still need some more work on it.”

After she left Ray called me up on the seat and asked why I was in such a hurry? “Remember the last time I had too much garlic to eat?”

“Yeah, that was pretty bad” Ray answered.

“Well, I had too much again tonight, we need to go” I said.

The three of them wasted no time in getting up and start to head for the door. They did not want to be around for what was coming up quick. Stacey paid the check and left the girl a nice tip for all her trouble as Ray & I headed towards the door. We passed by this one table and the little girl that was sitting there wanted to pet my head. I stopped briefly when suddenly as she patted my head I had a gaseous accident as one silent but very deadly fart slipped out. The little girl immediately looked like she was turning green as her parents both started to cough. We both turned to run but it was too late. The next thing I heard was “Oh my God, what the hell is that smell?” People were gagging all around us as the odor began to spread.

“It was the pig.”

“Oh, how gross, someone get that thing out of here.”

“I think I'm going to be sick” was the last comment I heard as Ray & I hit the front door, The hostess followed us out and asked us not to come back ever again. That's a bummer since I really liked the place. All in all, I would have to say it was a pleasure to go out and dine for a change. I'll just have to be careful what I eat next time. Ray doesn't think we will be doing anything like that again for a long while, but I am already thinking up of a new way to get in the next restaurant.

Take Care, Ride Hard or Stay Home

Pig.

LIFE IS GOOD

Like many other places here in South Texas it has been hot. We are talking 100* + everyday for the past several weeks. Since Ray and I work in the heat everyday you can imagine how we felt last night when the clouds rolled in and the breeze picked up to a little windy. The temperature finally cooled off a little. This morning when the cats decided they wanted to eat breakfast at 6:30 AM, a pot of coffee was made and the plan of action for the day was set. At feeding the cats we loaded up on the bike and headed out for a ride before we went to church.

The cool morning air felt so good as we headed up IH35 into New Braunsfel. A quick left onto hwy 46 over to loop 337 and then down River RD. River RD runs along the Guadalupe river outside of New Braunsfel up to Canyon lake. The river is lined with campsites and toobing outfits for all of the river rats we have here in Texas. Although the river level may be down right now, it still makes for a good time to be had along the river. Sunday mornings make for a good run since the campers are just getting up, leaving the traffic pretty low.

As you ride along the road, the trees have over grown across the top of the road providing a blanket of shade and cool air to enjoy. The four cross over bridges intertwines the road from both sides of the river giving you changes in the scenery from rock cliffs to campsites and sections of the river. The road dead ends into the dam on Canyon lake. From there you have a choice of directions to go to from there. You can circle around the lake, head off to the hill country or just head back into town. We choose to run the river back the other way then headed off to church.

We arrived for biker church held every second and fourth Sundays of the month at the Deer Crossing Saloon in Selma. A couple of patch members from the “Tribe of Judah” Motorcycle club host church services under the outside pavilion at the saloon with Prophet from the “Boozefighters” club preaching the service. What we like about these church services is compared to a traditional type church is the people who attend these services are real people. I call them the “salt of the earth” people. There is no show-boating, no big fancy long prayers that have no meaning and no one judges you for who you are. There were bikers, non bikers and sinners alike present. I have to tell you this, you haven't been to church until you go to church and somebody pops open a beer and another one lights up a smoke right there in the middle of things.

This may not sound very religious or the proper thing to do at a church service but I think that is what God loves most about us. He knows we are sinners, yet as long as we are there with Him what does it matter sweating over the little stuff like having a beer. All are welcome at these services and you can feel in the air. I think sometimes that Jesus Himself preached to the very same type of people, sinners like us.

Ride Hard or Stay Home

Pig.