Life Lessons

Hey all you little pig pokers out there, I'm back.

Yeah time for another one of those life lessons from ol' Pig. Are you ready cause here we go. Ray come home from work today, just like every other day. He walked in the door, the dumbass dogs went wild, jumping all over like they hadn't seen him in 6 months, the cat just stood by the wall like always, watching every move. But this day didn't stay the same for long. Nope, before Ray could set down his keys his cell phone rang. It was his daughter, Ericka.

She was calling him to tell him she had a flat tire on her car, She hit something that made the tire go flat. At first she claimed that she didn't know what it was, but I was guessing there was more to the story than she was letting on. Being 17, most teenagers have a tendency to be that way. You know what I mean, never being forth coming with all of the needed information.

Ray wasn't mad at her for having a flat, as a matter of fact he was quite calm, he just asked her where she was so he could go help her. When he finally understood where she was, he got off the phone, looked over towards me and said for me to grab the tool box and put it in the truck. We got headed down the road towards the other side of town. Ray took all the short cuts he knew and got us there pretty quick. For a man who has worked all day, not eaten dinner yet and having to drive all the way across town, Ray was handling it all real well. I guess daddy's are that way when it comes to their daughters, you know all that mushy crap.

Well there we were pulling up on the street where she was broke down when the first warning sign came forth. There was a young man getting out of the car that Ray did not know. Ray didn't say anything, I was a little taken back by that. Ray got out of the truck and walked over to see the tire. It was the right front tire that had a big gash in the sidewall and was all tore up. I looked around and noticed that no one had bothered to get the spare out yet and with that Ray headed to the trunk to grab the spare and jack.

Warning sign # 2 had just showed up when I heard Ray asked Ericka where the jack for the car was. A low toned “I don't know, it should be in there”, came sheepishly from Ericka. The boy (whom I never caught his name) didn't say a word. He just kind of stood there watching. I have a distinct feeling that ol' Opie didn't know how to change a tire. (How in the hell could he not know how to change a tire.) Ray made a slight movement in his body, maybe it was holding something back or maybe he just shrugged his shoulders. Anyway, he just went over to his truck and got out his jack instead.

There was a feeling in the air. Something I sensed was about to happen. When you have been around Ray long enough you learn to read the signs. The fireworks were about to happen. It wasn't until Ray crawled under the car to set the jack that it happened. The fuse was lit and it was burning fast. KABOOM

Now a little something you need to know about Ray. When his fuse gets lit, his face will get red, that cute little vein starts protruding from his forehead, sometimes you can see steam escaping from his ears and then sh%$ flies everywhere. And when he blows, no one is safe. So what happened next is just all to predicable. And as for myself being a fly on the wall, it is always fun to watch. (One of these days I'll video it for utube)

“Go# D@%% it, the F@#$&^% jack is too tall. It won't F@#$^&% FIT!” was the only intelligible audio I could understand. The remaining part of what he said that I could understand is not allowed to be printed or published in blog pages.

What should have been a simple tire change now became a nightmare for all involved in dealing with him. Ol' Opie didn't stick around for long, I think he may have wet himself and hauled ass before Big Daddy Ray got a hold of him. When I looked around, all I saw was a cloud of dust settling from his trail.

Ray somehow managed to inform Ericka that they now had to go to the shop and pick up a floor jack to get the tire changed. Ericka just jumped in the truck and was ready to go. What she forgot to do was get her purse and belongings out of and lock her car. As for me I quickly loaded up the spare and tools into the truck and jumped in the back. The trip to the shop allowed the fun to continue. Ray was already fuming about the extra trip. The conversation in the truck began with questions of where was the jack with continued answers of “I don't know”. Ericka went about to texting her friends to let them know what she was going through. If you have ever been around a texting teenager, you will know that the constant clicking of the keys can been a little annoying after a short while. For Ray, I could see his eyes twitching with every keystroke Ericka made.

Ray finally gave up and told her to call the tire shop to see if they had a tire in stock. It was then that Ray found out that just 4 months prior when he had Stacey purchase the new tires for the car, Stacey had decided to omit the tire replacement certificates from the purchase price and that we would now have to buy a new prorated tire. But that's not all, the store was closing in 15 minutes. Oh well, looks like Ericka is going to have to deal with that in the morning.

Grumbling all the way to the shop, we get a floor jack, check the air in the spare and head back to change the tire. We get there and everybody jumps out, grabs tools, jack and the spare. (This next part is great) As Ray tries to set the floor jack, he quickly discovers that the car is sitting too low for the floor jack to fit. Wait for it, wait for it. Denied, he didn't lose it again. Damn, where the fun in that. Instead Ray put the jack under the body and slowly lifted the car just enough to get the bad tire off and the spare on. Bolts in place, he lowers it down and then tightened the nuts. Load up and off we go.

Ray told Ericka to follow behind him and keep it slow,(just in case the spare goes bad) We start heading home and of course, did she listen? Oh hell no. Zoom, she passed us like a phantom jet and never looked back. There are a few lessons that we all should learn from this experience and that is why I wrote this blog today. That is what I do, I help stupid people to try and not be so stupid

Lesson # 1 Know how to change a tire (Ol' Opie didn't)

Lesson # 2 Always check your vehicles spare tire and changing equipment. Make sure everything is there and in proper working order

(by the way, Ray did check everything 4 months ago when the new tires were put on)

Lesson # 3 While we don't normally purchase extended warranties on items. We do recommend the extended warranties on tires that include replacement of tire due to road damage

Lesson # 4 This one is really important, especially when dealing with someone like Ray. Always provide quick and accurate information when dealing with emergency situations.

Lesson # 5 Don't drive like a bat outta hell when driving on a spare tire and especially in front of the dad. (Ericka got a real ass chewing when dad got home)

 

Well guys, I hope you enjoyed reading this blog and I hope that it was helpful. Now go outside and check your car. Before I go, Ray did want me to ask if anyone out there uses twitter. He was thinking about setting up an account. Let Ray know what you think about using twitter. E-mail him at ray@raysbikecleananddetail.com

See you out at Texas Pride on Thursday Night

Ride Hard or Stay Home

Pig

Burn Outs

Hey Pig Pals,

It's your fearless leader again, the one, the only, Pig.

It's time once again for some more Pig talk. Lately we have been really busy with cleaning bikes and hanging out with our buddies. This has been a good spring so far. We have been out at Texas Pride every Thursday night for bike night. The bands have been pretty good so far and a lot of our regulars have been coming back for more of our cleaning specials. For those of you who haven't been out there yet, you need to make some time and go. Tony has made a few improvements for the new season. They added a new inside bar complete with A/C, big screen TV's, pool tables and a really cool looking full service bar. Saving the best for last, Tony has also put in a, are you ready, A BURN-OUT PIT. Yeah man, it's the bomb dude.

Between the band sets, they announce for any takers to step forward, you just ride your bike into the cage. (It doesn't matter what kind of bike you have.) After you place your front wheel against the rest, they close you up in the cage and the back drop sets in place. (that way you don't spray the audience with rubber dust). Everyone gathers in close anticipating, for what comes next, all along wanting to see blood. When everything is ready, the signal comes for the go-ahead. You then apply your front brake, power comes up in your engine, and you let 'er RIP. As the smoke rises up from your rear tire the people start to cheer you on. The cage begins to bellow with smoke, the engine roars on, the tire squeals, the crowd screams for more. An average biker quickly backs down. There is no shame in that. No ones feelings are hurt. It is only the brave that will go for more. It is more what a REAL biker gives. The real biker just gives it more throttle never backing down, never looking back. Then BLAM, that rear tire lets go with a resolving pop.

The RPM's die out, the wheel stops but the crowd cheers on their champion moving in to see if there is damage or destruction, satisfied in the results, the crowd always claps for more. The smoke clears and they open the front of the cage to let you out. If you are the type that backed off early, you get to ride your bike out and back into the parking lot. If you are a real biker, you limp your bike out and over to the Bucketheads Pit stop. There you can get a new tire put on so you have a ride home.

Now of course someone out there is saying, “That Nuts, Why Would You Do Something Like That?” To those you who do think like that, I only have one thing to say: If you don't ride, you'll never understand. You need to come on out to the Pride and see it for yourself.

Ya'll stay cool.  Ride Hard or Stay Home

Pig

Here's someone who needs health care

Hey Yall,

Pig Here,  I'm finally back and on the web.  Sorry I have not blogged in a while, with it being spring time we have been busy cleaning bikes.  However, a good friend of mine sent me a story he claims to have happened to him.  I'm not too sure if it was just another e-mail floating around or if he really did this.  But the story is funny and I thought all of you would enjoy, so here goes.
 I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

 Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

 Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

 Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
  I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.  I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
 Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. 

  Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
  My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
  Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.


           Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store

Like I said, this guy IS a good friend of mine.  Anyone who can clear out a hardware store like that is not all that bad.  I would suggest we feed him a whole pot of chili on thursday morning, that way he could come out to Texas Pride and try the Burn-Out Pit.  I be he would smoke them all out.

Pig

e-mail answers

Hey Gang,

Pig poker is back again. And time to answer some e-mails. Since Ray won't let me have my own e-mail address, people write to him instead. And of course I have a few things to tidy up. But I am warning you, when I started this blog that I don't sugarcoat my answers to mean people. So without further ado let's roll!

Pig, Can I have your baby? You are the best!!!

Cathy from New York

Wwweeellll.... First would you please send me your pic with your current measurements for further review.

Hey Pig, I need some advice, my momm says that it is time for me to move out and get a place of my own. But I'm not sure if I want to. I'm 32 years old & I like living at home. What should I do?

Robby from Oklahoma City

DUDE Pop your moms tit out of your mouth, dry you chin and grow a pair. WTF

Pig, I need some help, I want to meet some cool biker chicks but every time I get close to one I get nervous, my hands start to shake and I start stuttering my words. These girls just look at me like I'm a freak and laugh at me. Pig, I so bad want to be cool like you. Please help me. Randy from Austin

Ok Dude, I'll help. First thing is you need to relax. Cool biker chicks like a guy who confident with himself and is not afraid to be adventurous. Second. I want you to visit a lady friend of mine who specializes in helping guys like you with girl problems. I can guarantee she will hump those problems away.

Pig, I left my panties at your place from the other night, can I have them back please.

Katelyn

Only if I get a round two babe

Hey fat boy, why don't you try being a little more politically correct towards people. Far too many times you are rude and hurtful. It shows you lack any sensitivity towards other peoples feelings.

I am so sorry that you feel that way (well not really, I don't feel sorry) What I do feel is people who must be “politically correct” are people who are too afraid to tell the truth. I don't pretend that black is gray and that gray is white. I call things for how I see them. Sorry Dude

Pig, i'm so heart broken and need help. I just over heard my boyfriend tell one of his buddies that I'm boring riding on the back of his bike with him. What should I do?

Emily

Emily, next time you are on the back, try it without a bra on and push your nipples straight into your boyfriends back. That should make him a little happier and the ride more interesting. If that doesn't work then at the next bike night, get on stage with the band and do a striptease for the crowd. If that doesn't work then maybe you will find a new boy-toy after your dance who won't think you are so boring.

Hey You Sexy Pig, How can I become one of your piglets?

Abby

I didn't know I had a following. Lets hook up.

Hey Porky, What makes you think your so BADDDD !?! All I see of you for is just some lazy, dumbass pig who sucks up other peoples beer and runs his mouth too much. I think your pink color makes you look like a pussy.

Bikerdaddy

Ouch, that one hurt!!! I don't know what I did to you sir and quite frankly I don't give a rats ass what you think of me either. Opinions are like asses everyone has one and they are all full of S#$%

With that said now it is my turn for my opinion about you. I'm sorry that you blame your parents for all that is wrong with you. And I am sure that if I was given the chance to know you better I would believe more and more that YOUR FATHER SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT EARLY. Have a nice day

Hey Pig, I was just wondering, you talk a lot about drinking free beer. Do you ever buy your own beer?

Ronald

Yes Ronald, I do buy my own beer. However it is not so easy for me to buy beer whenever I want to. For you see I have trouble sometimes getting served in certain icehouses since I am an animal and there are laws prohibiting me from going in. Lucky for me I have some really good friends who understand my situation and never have a problem with helping a fellow biker brother out. BTW come on over with free beer anytime.

Pony Writes: Hey oniker, what's your favorite TV show?

That would be NCIS. I think that Abbs is the coolest chick ever. I just want to kiss that tat all over on her neck. WOO HOO !!!

Hey Pig, Will you please return my motorcycle. I would like to ride it some time.

Sorry Bud. Next time don't leave the keys in it.

Pig Dude I have just one question for you. What is your favorite kind of chick?

One that can remove chrome from a trailer hitch with her lips.

Well that's about all for today, keep those cards and letters coming

Pig

Hey Gang,

It's time once again for a little sit down and bull session with the Pig. First item up on the list is who's got the beer. The Pig is thirsty and needs more alcohol. If you've got the suds, I've got the time to help you consume it SO BRING IT ON OVER. Second on today's list is the new pic you have just seen. I was cleaning a customers bike the other day and SHE had it on her mirrors. I took one look and realized that the statement fits my pink pig person perfect!!! Third on the list, my last blog included a post about pay for our military. I know that I don't get very political here and that is why most of you read my blog. But hey, I'm not all just tits and beer. I stand firmly behind our soldiers and give them a salute and that brings me to todays subject.

I want you to meet someone very special.

This is Kim, she is the customer who has the mirrors on her bike. But she is more than someone with cool mirrors. Kim is also a soldier in the US Army. She is currently stationed at Fort Sam Houston here in San Antonio. ( I'll bet anything one of you guys out there is saying “big deal, who cares, a lot of people have been there” ) Well butthead let me just say this; Kim has been to the sand box 5 TIMES, she has been wounded 3 OF THOSE TIMES, One time when she was wounded it was from a roadside bomb. And if you look closely at her right hand, you will see that it is bandaged. That was from being SHOT in the wrist by one of those rugheads. Kim has shed her own blood and flesh for our country and I, Pig, am DAMN PROUD of her.

I'm happy to be friends with her and honored with the opportunity to be part of the crew who detailed her motorcycle for her. BTW she rides a 96 Sporter. Ray cut her a good price for the cleaning and we did one fine job for her. Kim was so honored when I asked her if I could have my picture taken with her for the blog that she even let me down into her shirt. No, I didn't try to catch a cheap squeeze while I was in there. But she does have some nice tats under that shirt. (sorry Kim, I couldn't help it, I'm just a pig in more ways than one)

Well anyway, Kudos to Kim and all the rest of our soldiers who are serving their country proudly. I love you guys, come home safe.

BTW:  Bike night has restarted at Texas Pride again.  Be sure to come out on Thursday night from 6:00 to 11:00 and see us there. They have a new bar and now a burn0out pit.  Come check it out.

 

Pig

Where Do You Stand?

Hey gang, Pig here.

Now normally I don't talk aboult poltics here but I've got a real burr under my saddle about this.  I just got a note from a friend of mine who is in the Air Force stationed in Germany and he is really PISSED about the proposed pay raise for our miltary.  Here is what he had to say:

Lindley Hummel: President Obama has proposed a 1.4% pay increase for active duty military in 2011. This is THE LOWEST SINCE 1973! Nice to know that during a time of rampant inflation, while war is fought in 2 theatres, our men and women in uniform get A LOWER PAY INCREASE THAN WELFARE RECIPIENTS!!! Please repost if you support our troops. THIS IS UNREAL AND UNPATRIOTIC!!!

I for one stand behind our military 100% And I, Pig, believe we should give them the best we can for ALL that they do.  I love them all!!!

Pig