Bury M With My Money

Bury Me With My Money

Hey Y'all,

Pig here, time once again to poke the pig and leave them oinking from the boinking. Today's questions “what is up with women these days?” Can anyone help me please? Why do women think/act/feel that they should get ALL of a mans money? Can anyone answer me that question? Just the sound of it drives me to the brink of insanity. Now before any of you crazy broads out there start writing in calling me names let me explain. I have heard so many stories about men & women and the woman acts like she is smarter than a man and that the man is nothing smarter than a brick in the wall. Women go to say how they use the guy and then take him to the cleaners when the relationship is over.

Today was no exception. Ray & I were at the bank today doing business like we do every Friday. Now we normally use the drive-thru since it is much quicker, but today the line was backed up full so we decided to use the lobby tellers instead. We walked inside, stood in line and waited for our turn. The teller was an average looking broad, nothing too bad to look at but nothing really outstanding to see either. She looked up at the line of people and noticed us in line. That was when she had to puff up her chest and pretend she was the boss when she said “ Sir, we don't allow animals inside, unless of course they are service animals”. I looked up at Ray with an odd look on my face and asked “Did she just call me a dog”? Ray cracked another one of his stupid grins and said “No, she said that you need to be a dog to be in here”. Well I just turned towards her and barked three times very loudly at her. That was when Ray told her “oh he is an animal, but he's not that bad”. “Well, he doesn't appear to need to do any banking”.

Not to be showed by some smartass minimum wage wannabe, I waved my check at her and gently informed her that I was. Hey, my mama raised dumb looking kids, not dumb kids. I guess I just can't get over the number of people who still treat me like I am a common, smelly barnyard animal. Hey, I shower once a week if I need it or not. What's the problem. She quickly realized her mistake and changed her tune towards us. After what always seems like an eternity when you have to wait in line it was finally our turn. Well let's just say it was Rays turn. The teller, Emily, was now all smiles and even joking around a bit. She started to process my transaction when she asked me to sign the back of my check. “Oh, my bad”, I apologized. She then tried to joke that I could just sign it over to her with a wink and big smile. Well that did it, now she's after MY money. No way Jackson, no frigging way. Ray made the big save of an erupting situation by chiming in telling her that my numerous girlfriends wouldn't like that. The two of them laughed and continued on about how women don't like their men allow their money to go anywhere but to them.

The conversation went on into a story that Emily was telling about a men who went through life telling his wife that he when he died, he wished to be buried with all of the money he had made in his life. When when the day came and the man had died, his wife had done as he wished. When it came time for his casket to be closed, his wife walked up with a small box and slipped it into his casket. The casket was closed and lowered into the grave. One of the wifes girlfriends walked up and asked her what was in the box, but before the lady could answer the girlfriend insisted that the wife didn't put all of the money in that box. “Sure I did”, replied the wife. “How could you have done that” quizzed the girlfriend? “oh it was easy,” replied the wife, “I wrote him a check, if he can cash it, then he can have it.

Of course, everyone else in line burst into laughter, everyone except me,I for one, failed to see what was so funny. I jumped up on top of the counter as she handed me my cash back. I tucked the cash in my pocket and said to her for everyone to hear. “Maybe what he should have requested was for him to be buried face down.

“Face down?” Emily quizzed

“Yep, He should have asked his wife to bury him face down”.

“And why is that?”

“That way the whole world could just KISS HIS ASS!!!

I turned and headed out the door. As I moved across the floor I noticed a good looking blonde with a gorgeous pair of legs wearing a pair of those hot stilleto shoes. Oh man, she was smoking. I looked up at her,winked and told her she had nice legs. “Your despicable PIG.

I just smiled and said “thank you, I resemble that remark”

Have a nice day

Pig

Goverment Help Is Coming

Hey Y'all,

Pig Here, just got this bit of great news in my e-mail and i felt I needed to share it with you today.  Things have been a little slow lately and we have been wondering when they were going to pick up.  I guess now we know.

GOVERNMENT HELP COMING! 
 
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress
has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
 
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
 
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
 
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
 
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
 
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
 
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Have a nice day!
Pig

Disclaimer

Disclaimer:

Attention;

The preceding blog was written by a drunken pink pig. Please do not follow any advice he may have written, said, expressed or implied. Always read and follow your doctors advice and instruction as well as the instruction stated on any and all medicines.

Just to let you know I was asleep in the recliner chair trying to recover from a severe sinus infection when Pig attempted to pour, no make that SHOTGUN a beer down my throat. I awoke coughing, gagging and spewing beer all over the living room. After I regained my composure I realized that pig had consumed a whole 18 pack of my beer. This was determined by the number of empty beer cans laying around in the room. Further inspection found that Pig had puked in the corner of the dining room and pissed more on the floor of the bathroom than what made its way in the toilet.

You will be happy to know that Pig has had to clean the entire house from top to bottom and is now serving time locked & chained in his pen.

Thank you and have a nice day

Ray

The Importance of BEER!!!

Hey Y'all

I'm back for another edition of Pig Talk. Today's topic will be about something that I hold very dear to my heart. Today's topic is....BEER.

Yes boys and girls, I want to discuss the importance of that finely brewed, bubbly cold liquid that is sooooo refreshing to consume. For you see, I am stuck at home all weekend, thanks to Ray, he decided to get a severe sinus infection the day before the St. Valentines Day Massacre Rally up in Boerne and now we can't go. We had a full weekend planned to see the rally and try to drum up some bikes to detail while we were there. Dammit, I was also looking forward to seeing some fine, bare breasted biker women for the past two months. Oh well, such is life, I guess I will have to settle for watching Ray blow yellow snot balls from his nostrils. Yes, it is truly as gross as it sounds (sorry about that).

The importance of beer is monumental when examined in the proper context. For you see, the State of Texas still refuses to give me back my drivers license since I had that 4 car pile up. (I still say it was not my fault) and since Stacey has found a great place to hide the car keys my independent traveling is limited. Now while Ray sleeps in the recliner chair, I have been able to toss back a few of his cold ones from the fridge. I just wish he was wearing shoes while he is sleeping, that way I could tie his laces together and watch him fall when he tries to get up. LOL

Like I said, he's asleep, and I'm enjoying the free beer. After my 5^th one I began to realize why we need beer.

Why drink beer when you are sick:

1. When you are sick, you need lots of fluids to flush out the germs and since beer makes you pee often it helps to flush those germs away.
2. The alcohol in beer kills the infections in your body.
3. Beer helps you to sleep better.
4. When you run a fever, a cold can pressed against your head helps cool you off.
5. Beer is full of vitamins and vitamins make you stronger so you get well quicker.
6. Beer is made from water and you need water to keep from dehydrating.
7. Beer makes a great substitute for chicken noodle soup.
8. Beer makes you forget any pain you may be in.

Why drink beer when your not sick:

1. Beer has been helping white people dance for over two hundred years.
2. When you drink beer, there are no ugly women after 2:00AM.
3. Beer can make a bad live band sound pretty good.
4. With lots of beer on hand, you always have lots of friends.
5. Beer helps keep you from getting sick by killing all the germs in your body.
6. A cold bottle or can of beer pressed against a woman's breast makes her nipples hard enough to cut through glass.
7. Consuming lots of beer gives you the endurance to write your full name in snow while peeing.
8. Beer makes you stronger than any other man in the bar.
9. Drinking beer is not a problem. You drink, you fall down, no problem.
10. Beer, when consumed in enough quantities will make you forget all the stupid stuff you did while you were drunk.
11. King Arthur's knights were able to solve so many of the worlds problems at the round table with a full grog of cold beer.

So you see, beer is VERY important to us. I could go on and on with the list but I will just sum it up like this. Without beer, look at all the stuff we couldn't do. I have to go for now, Ray is beginning to stir in his sleep. I think I will get him a beer and pour it down his throat so I don't have to wake him

Ride hard or stay home (and drink more beer)

Pig.

Old Farmers Advice

Hey Ya’ll,
Pig here, been trying to think of something to write about for this weeks blog (yes, pigs do think).  After all of the tongue lashings I received from all of the “ladies” (and I use that term LOOSLEY) out there for the past couple of blogs, I was informed to take it easy the next time around.  I do have to say that ‘to take it easy’ is a hard thing to do when you are short, fat and people keep trying to eat you.  But I will do my best.
I was going through some old stuff of mine and I found this list of advice I had gotten from an old farmer I once knew.  He was a simple man, never made much of himself, he never flashed anything around.  He was a just good, well loved, family man.

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *

* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.*

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*

* Every path has a few puddles.*

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.. *

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.*

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.*

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.. *

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.*

* Always drink upstream from the herd.*

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in..*

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.*

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*

* Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.*

Good advice to live by, however he did leave one piece of advice out.  It is a quote from President Harry S. Truman:   NEVER KICK A FREASH TURD ON A HOT DAY
Good words to live by
Ride Hard Or Stay Home
Pig

Woman Perfect Breakfast

Hey Ya’ll

The following was sent to me by a female fan after she read some of my blogs this week.  She said that I needed a shot of reality about women. I figured that the least I could do was read it.  I did and I added a few things that were missing

                                                                        Pig

 WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST 
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. 
(Because he left with all the money)

Keep reading-they get better!!! 
 

---

WOMEN'S REVENGE 
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' 

(I bet he can change channels without the remote and she can’t)

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN 
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 
I know I'm not going to understand women. 
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, 
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, 
and still be afraid of a spider. 

 (Amen Brother)

---

MARRIAGE SEMINAR 
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, 
Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' 
He addressed the man, 
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' 
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?'
(The kind of flower she needs to be dealing with)
 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. 
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. 
She directs him down the correct aisle. 
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. 
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? 
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store 
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco 
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. 
So, I figure if I have to roll my own. so does she. 
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) 

(You the Man!! Tell her like it is Dude)

 



WIFE VS. HUSBAND 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and 
neither of them wanted to concede their position. 
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 
the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ 
’Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

(What she meant to say was they were her sisters in-laws)

WORDS 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 
30,000 to a man's 15,000. 
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.' 
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 

(30,000 WPD = wind gusts up to 98 MPH) 

---

CREATION 
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be 
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !'

(Because he is smarter than you, he makes more money)

WHO DOES WHAT 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who 
should brew the coffee each morning. 
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, 
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' 
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and 
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' 
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. ' 
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS' 

(Just another example of women taking everything out of context)

The Silent Treatment 
A man and his wife were having some problems at home 
and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him 
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. 
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, 
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. 
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 

(What was left out was the super glue in her shampoo the next day)

Keep the hate mail coming ladies- I can go all night

Ride it like you stole it

Pig

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
>
> I was told by my doctor that I needed to lose some weight so I called a company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me was a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me. Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens again and again.
>
>
> On the fifth day, I weighed myself and is delighted to find I had lost 10 lbs. as promised, so I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well let me tell you, I was out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I did my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, this same routine happens over and over but I was gradually getting in better and better shape.
>

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weighed myself, I discover that I had lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and call the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative to me on the phone... 'This is our
most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' I reply, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I opened it I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
>
>
> I lost 63 pounds that week.

Pig

Hey Ya’ll,

The other day, me and the boys were hanging out having a couple of cold ones and shooting the bull more or less we were doing important man cave stuff.  You know, talking about women and motorcycles. One of the guys old lady was listening in on our conversation. And after what she felt was hearing enough of our manly ritual she decided to accuse us of being and I quote “uneducated, low life, male swine.  She went on to say that she looked upon our “important” conversation about the female body was nothing more than the usual male rhetoric and that we were the type of male species that wallowed in our own filth.  Of course me being the pig that I am I promptly informed her that I resembled that remark and was proud of it.    Now usually at this point most people would just drop the subject and move on to other things.  But not this broad, nope she didn’t budge and this is why I am writing about today. 

Now when most people call me things that refers to a pig it doesn’t bother me cause I am one, but when someone calls my buddies a pig I find that a little disturbing.  So I felt that I needed to make a stand for ALL men at this point.  She continued on to boast about how I (and a few other men) never received a proper education, no lessons in manners nor any lessons on proper hygiene.  Now she is making it personal.  Answer me this “why is it when you are having a conversation with one person and someone else thinks that they have to put their two cents in?  can anyone answer me that? 

Since I was on the ropes being badgered by this broad, (and I use the term broad loosely) I immediately went from being on the defensive to the offensive in which I told her “hey I can read.”

“Oh really, and just what have you read there, MR Pig?”

All eyes were upon me now, I could feel them.  It was so quite you could hear a pin drop.  I had to defend my honor and the honor of all men at this point.

“I like to read short stories, I even write them for my blog too.

That was when she challenged me, she wanted to know just one short story that I read.  “No problem,” I replied, “I can recite 5 short stories, word for word, right here.

“Prove it dude, I got 50 bucks that says you don’t know a single one” she sneered at me.

I countered with a 100 bucks figuring she would back down.  But damm if she didn’t match it. “100 it is my little pink swine.”

Now the others there decided they too wanted in the action.  I pulled a hundred out of my pocket as she did the same and we gave the money to Bubba to hold.  Bubba then in turn bet Jerry 20 bucks on me and of course Ed took Bubba on for another 10.  After all of the bets were placed, a wooden box was placed in the center of the floor for me to stand on.  I jumped right up there, overlooked the group and began to recite my five short stories for all to hear.

Here are the five short stories that Pig has read:

Short Story # ONE:
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a sh#%."

Short Story # TWO:
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

Short Story # THREE:
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up you’re a## but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

Short Story # FOUR:
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Short Story # FIVE:
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

After I finished # FIVE I said to the crowd “And just in case that wasn’t enough for you here is one more.

Short Story # SIX:
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her a##, pulled out, flipped her back over and c@#$ all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

As I finished # 6, I stepped down off the box, walked over to Bubba, snatched the money from his hand and promptly walked out with my head hung high and a smile on my face.

Have a nice day!!!

Pig