One Sunday morning we decided to head out on the highway. After being confined to riding to only during the week to and from work, the itch was getting unbearable to tolerate much longer. Rising out of bed as the sun was rising up into the sky, it was determined that to ride on this day we must get going to beat the mid-day heat. The south Texas sun in the afternoon can drain you of all energy pretty fast. The bike had been removed of its dirt and grime, replaced with a deep gloss shine. She was a rock that was ready to roll. A turn of the key, a twist of the throttle with the touch of the button, the engine thundered to life with the sound of a rolling storm in the distant sky. We mounted up and headed out for the days adventures. A quick stop for fuel and smokes allowed us the affordable option to go non-stop to our predetermined destination, Bandera.
Just a mire 60 miles from home the destination was not really important nor the reasons why we headed out that day. It was about what happens during those 60 miles. People who are tied to a life of work and home during the week need a chance to get away from everything, even if it is for only a few hours. Stress can build up in the muscles of the body as well as in your mind. One must release this stress if one is to live a long and happy life.
Rolling west on FM 1604 reminded me of why Ray doesn't like taking the highway. Cluttered and boring, highways are made to get someone from point A to point B in the quickest amount of time. They tend not to provide much in landscape and scenery. It was about 4 miles from our turn off to highway 16 when I looked in the mirror and saw that we had picked up a couple of tail-suckers. Tail-suckers are other bikers that come up from behind and ride along with you. They are usually welcomed since they will stay far enough back to not interfere with you. and can be fun guys to meet. But there was something different, something was not right about these guys. As I watched them in the mirror they seemed to mimic our every move. Being the cautious (Ray says paranoid) pig that I am at first I thought they may be undercover cops trying to infiltrate the biker world. But then I thought of it, I knew who these guys were. They were federal agents with the IRS.
Oh yeah, they were secret agents alright, I could tell with every turn we leaned into, with every hill we climbed there they were, right on our tail. Dammit they are probably taking down information to levee some new road tax on bikers. What a way to ruin our day. We are going to get another tax bill, probably one we could never afford. Leave it to the government to stick to the little guys once again. I just can't take this crap anymore.
I yelled into Rays ear “Step on it and lose these guys.”
“Why Pig, What's wrong with them?”
“Hey man, I think they are federal agents coming to attack us with another tax.”
“What?! Why do you think that?”
“They just look like it. Don't you listen to talk radio, they talk about this kind of stuff all the time.”
“Pig, you need to shut up and ride.”
“But Ray, they're after us dude, I'm telling you I have this feeling.”
Ray didn't say another word, he just leaned into another turn accelerating up another hill. The agents continued to follow us and I kept a very close eye on them in the mirror. Another 2-3 miles down the road we came up on a signal light. Lucky for us the light had changed and the tail-suckers were stopped on the red. Now we can get away from these guys even if Ray didn't believe me.
I felt much better knowing that we had lost those two. I was begin to enjoy the ride again, the feeling of the wind messaging my body as it beat against me released all of my worries and it even put a smile on my face. As we approached the outskirts of Bandera, Ray decided that he needed to relieve the pains of too much coffee in his system. We slowed down and pulled into the Exxon on the south side of town. Being a the pig that I am I already knew that I was not going to be allowed into the store. So as Ray went inside the store I went around to the back and did my business back there.
Now I have to ask you this, do you ever get that deep down in your gut sinking feeling? You know the one that tells you something is not right. Well as I was walking back around to the front of the store I had gotten that feeling. As I looked over at our bike I could feel the horror building up inside of me. My heart started racing as I felt bile forming at the base of my throat. There they were, those same two secret agent dudes were standing next to our bike in the parking lot. I looked around for Ray I couldn't see him anywhere, he must still be inside. What do I do? How do I handle this. I could see the so called secret agents checking out the bike, probably trying to determine how much taxes they could access on us. Damm Bastards! I quickly decided that I was no longer going to tolerate the government pushing me around. No Sir, not this pig!!!
I looked them over, all dressed up in blue jeans and leather vests type biker clothes. They were trying to fit in by disguise, but I wasn't fooled by it. I mustard-ed up the bravery of an alcohol fueled biker about to do his next bar stunt and marched right over to them. Showing no fear, I was going to really kick their asses good. Red with rage as my heart pumped massive amounts of blood throughout my body I let out a snarling grunt and barked at them to get away. This pig was now on a mission, a mission to defend the hard working middle class people of America from the lowly scum bags of the IRS. And I was not about to take any crap from these two.
What happened next is still a little fuzzy in my head, I remember asking them just what the hell the thought they were doing to our bike when I heard one of them say “Hey Rex, check out the little pig. He's pink all over, I bet he is one of those pot belly pigs that is someones pet.” I could not believe my ears. Did he just call me someones pet? I don't think so. “Take that you IRS scumbag as I reached over and and kicked that jackass right in the shinbone. I remember someone yelling “ouch!!! dammit” and then the lights went out.
When I came to a little while later, Ray was standing over me pouring cold water on my face telling to get up. I shook off the water and felt a knot forming on the top of my skull. My head pounded like someone was taking their finger and kept flicking my forehead. Oh man, that one hurt. As I was coming to I asked “What happened?”
Ray knelt down next to me and rubbed my head, “lucky for you I came out of the store when I did, those two were going to BBQ your ass in molasses bud. I stopped them just in time.”
“What did you do?”
“I told them who you were, that your nuts and that you tried to tell me that you thought they were IRS agents. They said they were brick layers from Seguin and they dropped in behind us cause they had never seen someone ride with a pig before.”
“Oh really, like I believe they were brick layers Ray.”
“Let me ask you something Pig,” Ray responded, “Do you think an IRS agent could pound you unconscious with one hit?”
Thinking about what Ray had just said to me for a moment, it dawned on me.
Standing up now with my shoulder back and my chest puffed out I barked out a solid “HELL NO DUDE, I would let that happen, I guess maybe I was wrong.”
As I looked around I realized a small crowd had formed to watch the show. Ray climbed on the bike and fired it up.
“Come on Pig let's go to town and get some grub and you some aspirin.”
“I'm all over that, let's go Dude” as I jumped on the back and settled in I turned to the few people still mulling around and asked them “Don't you people have homes?, Go away, the show's over.” Ray dropped the bike into gear and away we went.
The morning went much better, as we went into town I decided not to try to start another fight since I had learned the hard way once again. We ran into those guys again at the restaurant and I ended up giving them an apology for my behavior. I bought them breakfast and they ended up being a couple of pretty nice guys. By the time we left everyone was having a pretty good laugh about it. The moral of our story today:
Never assume who someone is until you get to know them.
Never pick a fight unless you have back up.
Never trust the government, they have secret agents everywhere
Ride hard my friends or stay home
Pig
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