Hey Ya’ll,

The other day, me and the boys were hanging out having a couple of cold ones and shooting the bull more or less we were doing important man cave stuff.  You know, talking about women and motorcycles. One of the guys old lady was listening in on our conversation. And after what she felt was hearing enough of our manly ritual she decided to accuse us of being and I quote “uneducated, low life, male swine.  She went on to say that she looked upon our “important” conversation about the female body was nothing more than the usual male rhetoric and that we were the type of male species that wallowed in our own filth.  Of course me being the pig that I am I promptly informed her that I resembled that remark and was proud of it.    Now usually at this point most people would just drop the subject and move on to other things.  But not this broad, nope she didn’t budge and this is why I am writing about today. 

Now when most people call me things that refers to a pig it doesn’t bother me cause I am one, but when someone calls my buddies a pig I find that a little disturbing.  So I felt that I needed to make a stand for ALL men at this point.  She continued on to boast about how I (and a few other men) never received a proper education, no lessons in manners nor any lessons on proper hygiene.  Now she is making it personal.  Answer me this “why is it when you are having a conversation with one person and someone else thinks that they have to put their two cents in?  can anyone answer me that? 

Since I was on the ropes being badgered by this broad, (and I use the term broad loosely) I immediately went from being on the defensive to the offensive in which I told her “hey I can read.”

“Oh really, and just what have you read there, MR Pig?”

All eyes were upon me now, I could feel them.  It was so quite you could hear a pin drop.  I had to defend my honor and the honor of all men at this point.

“I like to read short stories, I even write them for my blog too.

That was when she challenged me, she wanted to know just one short story that I read.  “No problem,” I replied, “I can recite 5 short stories, word for word, right here.

“Prove it dude, I got 50 bucks that says you don’t know a single one” she sneered at me.

I countered with a 100 bucks figuring she would back down.  But damm if she didn’t match it. “100 it is my little pink swine.”

Now the others there decided they too wanted in the action.  I pulled a hundred out of my pocket as she did the same and we gave the money to Bubba to hold.  Bubba then in turn bet Jerry 20 bucks on me and of course Ed took Bubba on for another 10.  After all of the bets were placed, a wooden box was placed in the center of the floor for me to stand on.  I jumped right up there, overlooked the group and began to recite my five short stories for all to hear.

Here are the five short stories that Pig has read:

Short Story # ONE:
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a sh#%."

Short Story # TWO:
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.

Short Story # THREE:
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up you’re a## but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

Short Story # FOUR:
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Short Story # FIVE:
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

After I finished # FIVE I said to the crowd “And just in case that wasn’t enough for you here is one more.

Short Story # SIX:
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her a##, pulled out, flipped her back over and c@#$ all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

As I finished # 6, I stepped down off the box, walked over to Bubba, snatched the money from his hand and promptly walked out with my head hung high and a smile on my face.

Have a nice day!!!

Pig